SummerSlam Me On My Bottom, WWE

It was like this but with even more people.

Someone reached out to me and asked if I would write a review about SummerSlam. In the WWE, SummerSlam is like a halfway point between Wrestlemania. It's a beginning and ending of feuds. New characters hate each other. Old characters betray each other. The struggle is always real and wrestling wants you to know that.

So SummerSlam happened on Sunday night, but I couldn't write anything due to personal hospital reasons. I finally had the opportunity to check it out this morning. So let's break this sloppy SummerSlam down.

The first match of the night was Liv Morgan vs Rhea Ripley

I love when the WWE starts with women's matches. It shows respect for the art form that I like to see. When WWE changed their women's title to the Divas belt I knew it was going to suck. I was right, but let's talk about all that later.

So for this match, Rhea Ripley is the challenger and comes out first with her boy toy Dominic Mysterio. They're acting all lovey-dovey as he walks Rhea down to the ring. You look at them and feel the need to yell "Get a room youse two." This is one of the first matches Rhea Ripley has had since she was forced to vacate the title due to an injury.

Liv comes out next. She's laughing and preening on her way to the ring. She has been applying herself to get with Dominic Mysterio. Hotel room cards, running into him everywhere, and even trying to kiss him on camera. Anyone watching in the last few months has been waiting for Rhea to come back and teach Liv Morgan a lesson on manners and boyfriends. This is especially true when you find out the wrestler who injured Rhea Ripley was Liv Morgan. Wrestling is so poetic!

At the beginning of the match, Liv kept diving out of the ring to get away from Rhea and laughing about it. It was hilarious at first but went on too long until Rhea flipped the script with a fake-out. From there, Rhea starts kicking Liv Morgan's ass. Fun to watch until Rhea messes up her injured shoulder. I know that feeling. Rhea Ripley is so badass she just pops her shoulder back in place like a real O.G.

Around the end of the match, Liv brings out a chair to use. The announcers call it the "Champion's Advantage." A disqualification means the champion gets to keep their belt. Liv tries to hit her, but Rhea kicks her way out of it. Unfortunately, she's so angry at this “man stealing hussy” that she about to use the chair on Liv anyway. It’s a good thing Dominic was there to snatch it away. At least that's what it looked like until “Dirty” Dom sneakily slid the chair back into the ring and distracted the ref so Liv Morgan could DDT Rhea Ripley into that causing his ex to lose the match.

The best part was Dominic Mysterio walking out with his new bae, Liv Morgan.

How mad would you be if you caught Liv Morgan straddling you boy toy on TV?

Bron Breaker spears Sami Zayn to hell

The next match was Sami Zayn vs. Bron Breaker. Breaker is like a combination of a sprinter and a thrower in one person. He’s faster you. He’s stronger than you. You are not a challenge at any level for him. I've never heard announcers talk about how fast a guy is when he's bouncing off ropes, but they say Bron Breaker goes 23 miles an hour. That's the speed you need to make your finishing move a spear.

As always, Sami Zayn is fighting for his life. He does well at first and we get a little back-and-forth action. Unfortunately, Zayn needed more than that to win this match. Breaker ends up spearing Sami twice and taking the Intercontinental Championship with him.

Did you know Logan Paul is a Wrestler now?

See! He is. You can hate him in so many different places now!

Match three is a United States Championship match between a YouTube personality and an man named after a city, L.A. Knight. In any other sport a name like L.A. Knight would get you laughed at. In the wrestling world, it makes people go nuts for you. I think L.A. Knight is taking over the Slim Jim account that Macho Man Randy Savage used to do.

No lie, I fell asleep during this match. Not because it sucked, just because it was 5:30 am. I woke up at the end and saw Machine Gun Kelly (MGK) sneak the brass knuckles to Logan Paul so he could do what he always does, hit the wrestler in the face while the referee was distracted.

He tried to do this to L.A. Knight (Yeah!) and it was hard to see if he made contact or not, but Mr. Knight “no sold” that move and beat Logan Paul anyway. L.A. Knight (Yeah!) is the new United States Champion.

Fun Fact: MGK is actually from Cleveland where SummerSlam happened this year. It makes sense that if anyone would be pumping up Logan Paul, it would be MGK.

Why Bayley really shouldn't mess with Nia Jax

I know what you’re thinking… It’s not fair for a woman to be so good looking.

Bayley is a wrestler everyone seems to love. Whether she's a heel (bad guy) or a face (good guy), it almost doesn't matter. She's usually described as the woman who "brought women's wrestling back (to the WWE).” Bayley is going to take on the six foot powerhouse of a woman, Nia Jax. Like most women’s matches these days, this one was a lot of fun.

Bayley lept out like a tiger with punches and kicks, but once Nia put her in a Samoan Drop, Nia ruled most of the match.

When it looked like Bayley might take down the Irresistible Force, the Money In The Bank winner, Tiffany Stratton ran out with a ref as if she wanted to get directly into the match. Bayley saw her coming and knocked her off the apron. That gave Nia Jax enough time to get up and do two Annihilators to Bayley and make the WWE Women's Championship her own.

Honestly, I hope Nia Jax holds that belt until she retires. That's mostly because I think she's fiiiiine.

And then it was Grudge Match time!

CM Punk and Drew McIntyre have been up each other's asses all year. Drew injured Punk at the Royal Rumble. Punk cost Drew a title match by showing up as a referee and never making it to "3." These guys talk so much junk about each other it's a pleasure to watch. Drew made a particular move that made their beef more personal. He took Punk's bracelet that has his wife and his dog's name on it.

What made this match special was that the referee was Seth "Freakin'" Rollins. CM Punk and Drew McIntyre want to hurt each other, so another wrestler was the only one tough enough to watch over the match. And that's what happened. Strikes, slams, powerbombs, jumps off the top rope. Punk put Drew in an armbar, only to retrieve his bracelet that Drew dared to wear out there. Unfortunately, Seth Rollins picked it up first. As a ref. Holding onto it so nothing would happened to it during the match.

CM Punk did not like this. Punk asked Rollins what the hell he thought he was doing. You could smell the beef from the Houston, Texas. Anyway, McIntyre won and will be talking about it all the time going forward.

The El Campeón blues

Kick. Punch. It’s all in the mind. That bloody chest was all on the body though.

The next match was Gunther, The Ring General, and Damion Priest a.k.a. El Campeón. Damion is holding the 2nd most valuable belt in the company. He used the Money in the Bank case to take the title just after Drew McIntyre won it from Seth Rollins at Wrestlemania. McIntyre just had to hang around and show his new belt off to Punk. Punk hit him in the face with his arm brace allowing Damion Priest to take the title he just won.

It was hilarious.

Priest has managed to hold onto the title for most of this year. He had to lean on his faction, Judgement Day, pretty hard. I'm sure you can guess where this is going, but at SummerSlam, Damian Priest had to take on Gunther from Austria.

Gunther is a smarty art wrestler with his Austrian accent and general-esque mind. At least that's what the announcers keep saying about him. Damian tries to push the pace up, but Gunther keeps slowing it down. He's more methodical with his ass kickery. Damian was no slouch in this match either. He beat on Gunther so badly that the man's chest started bleeding. Nothing fake or bladed. Just blood trickling down over his nipples. It was the coolest, grossest thing I've seen.

During the tail end of this match, one of Damian Priest's mates, Finn Balor comes out. Priest thinks Balor is going to help him win! Priest gives Gunther his finishing move and instead of walking out as El Campión, Finn Balor places Gunther's leg on the rope which is an automatic pin break. Damian Priest was pissed.

When wrestlers get angry they typically stop concentrating on the match their in and want to get their lick back above all else. So when Priest leaned out the ring and grabbed Balor by the throat, Gunther put Priest to sleep like Deebo from Friday. Gunther is the new World Heavyweight Champion or Der Champion if you're Austrian.

Best Wrestler? No... Best Dynasty of Wrestlers!

Undisputed WWE Championship holder, Cody Rhodes versus the new "Head of the Table" Solo Sikoa. Let's break this down a bit.

Cody Rhodes, The American Nightmare, is the son of Dusty Rhodes, The American Dream who was my grandmama's favorite wrestler. God rest both their souls.

Solo Sikoa is part of a family of wrestlers that includes Roman Reigns, The Rock, Jacob Fatu, Umaga, The Usos, Rikishi, etc. Samoan wrestling royalty. They recently joined together to create The Bloodline. Roman Reigns is considered the “Head of the Table.”

When Roman Reigns lost the title to Cody Rhodes at Wrestlemania, he took a well-deserved break. During that time, Sikoa decided to proclaim himself as the new "Head of the Table." I don't know if he earned it or willed it into being, but that's how he's been treating everyone since.

Yes, that's a lot, but we're almost there.

So Cody Rhodes and Solo Sikoa are fighting over Cody's belt. Lots of back and forth action here, but at one point, two members of Solo Sikoa's Bloodline come out and jump Cody Rhodes. Boooo!

Then Kevin Owens and Randy Orton come out and save Cody by taking care of his attackers. They fight those guys in the crowd. Cody Rhodes is having trouble winning the fight and grabs the steel steps. Sikoa spears him but just before he can finish Cody off, Roman Reigns returns from his absence.

Reigns walks calmly to the ring. The crowd is losing their minds. Roman runs up and dives into the ring... and Superman punches… his cousin, Solo Sikoa in his face. Then Sikoa gets speared by his Roman Reigns.

Roman looks at Cody Rhodes for a second. Cody never takes his eyes off Roman. Cody gets up and puts his finisher on Sikoa. 1-2-3 it's done. Cody never stopped eyeballing Roman. Cody is the one who Roman’s title from him. Why would he come to the ring and punch a family member in the face? Why didn't he do anything to Cody?

I guess we'll have to find out on Monday Night Raw and Friday Night Smackdown!

Wresting is the best!