The Apprentice: An American Horror Story Review
This is a movie about monsters, oppression, patriotism, and diet pills.
Guess which one graped his wife? It’s not the gay one.
The Apprentice is a horrible movie about a horrible person. Donald Trump is horrible. As I said recently, this is a fact.
Donald Trump has committed many crimes. Crimes against the American government, crimes against humanity, and crimes against morality, and according to this dramatization, he's raped at least one person he was married to. Did you read that with the Donald Trump inflection? Try it again.
Donald Trump is a monster.
In The Apprentice, Trump didn't start out as terrible as he would later become. The movie takes starts in the early 70s. Back then, Donald Trump was a regular old slumlord working for his father, Fred Trump. Donald was in a position like Joe Pesci in The Super (1991). Donald walked around his burned-out apartment building collecting rent from people who hated him or threw boiling water at him. Looking back, The Super was probably built around what Donald Trump was like back then. Some poor schmuck working for his father with very little upward mobility due to starting at the top. Luckily for Donald, he manages to get access to a swanky white boys club in New York City.
At that club after striking out with a woman for mentioning everything about the other terrible rich people at the club, Donald notices a guy staring at him from across the bar. That man, diminutive in stature, is the vicious attorney Roy Cohn, a.k.a. the man who made Donald Trump into what he is today.
Cohn sends a man over to collect the Donald and unlike Donald, Cohn is sitting with actual big shots at his table. After a few introductions, it's decided that Roy Cohn is the only person who can get Fred Trump Sr’s Company out of the federal discrimination lawsuit they are involved in. If you haven't heard this story, it's basically that Fred Trump Sr. wouldn't rent to Black people in his fancy building. Donald says Black people can rent there as long as they make four times as much as white people. Roy Cohn says there is nothing wrong with that and agrees to take the case due to Donald Trump's insistent begging.
Roy Cohn wins this case for the Trump family, but it isn't by being an excellent attorney. Roy Cohn is an excellent attorney whose specialty is blackmail. Cohn finds out that the Federal lawyer suing Trump's family is both married and queer. According to The Apprentice, Cohn knows this because Cohn is also queer. Cohn has pictures of this lawyer’s indiscretions and would be more than happy to send those photos to his wife and kids if he doesn't drop the case. Suddenly, the Trump family is no longer being sued for discrimination. That's when Cohn gives Donald his three rules to be a winner:
Attack. Attack. Attack. Winners don't waste time with defense.
Never take responsibility for anything. Winners are never responsible for anyone's problems.
Never admit defeat. Winners don't lose and fuck you if try to prove they did.
This is a similar concept to the "reality distortion field" the Co-founder of Apple, Steve Jobs employed. Despite Fred Wozniak designing all the original Apple computers, Jobs had no problems stealing from Wozniak or acting like he had no daughter and allowing her and her mother to live in poverty despite having made hundreds of millions of dollars. Steve Jobs was never a genius inventor, he was just an expert at misdirection and working people past their limits just like Roy Cohn and later, Cohn's new apprentice, Donald Trump.
According to The Apprentice, Roy Cohn made Donald Trump. I like to put it as a monster created an even better monster. Young Cohn doesn't know this monster he created will kill him with ultimate disrespect in the end. This movie is nuts, but is it true?
The Truth In The Madness
I like to think this dramatization of Donald Trump's life is factual. Many biopics have parts that are added in to make it more appealing, but I say these films are much more fun when you believe. In this case, due to Trump's campaign vehemently denying everything about this film, just adds more fuel to the factual fire. Why take the time to deny anything untrue?
The Apprentice is a clinic for making biopics about people who are still alive. Sebastian Stan as Donald Trump probably had to work on Trump’s accent for a year, but plays the character “bigly.” Jeremy Strong as Roy Cohn is also incredible. Watching all the horrible things he gets up to is a breath of toxic air.
In real life, ex-President Donald Trump has become a master of fake news. He likes for people to think he came up with the term, even though he didn't. Donald Trump is one of the most creative liars of his generation as he lies so much he's forgotten what was ever true. Donald Trump says immigrants are very bad, seemingly forgetting his mother and grandparents were immigrants. Donald Trump has at least 34 criminal indictments. Donald Trump tries to sue anyone who says factual things about him.
Donald Trump is a monster... A monster taught to dress by Roy Cohn.
In The Apprentice, there is a beautiful scene at a tailor where Trump in his slightly more handsome days is being told the ins and outs of how to dress himself by his latest father figure. While Fred Trump Sr. was the one who originally taught Trump to be a racist bastard, it was Roy Cohn who took Trump way over the edge. Eventually, the U.S. government had it with Roy Cohn, and it came out that Cohn had 7 million dollars in unpaid taxes. That's not a small amount of ‘80s money.
By the end of The Apprentice, Donald Trump becomes a worse person than Roy Cohn, but not as bad because Trump is worse at it. Cohn begs Donald to let his male lover stay in one of his hotels which Trump is happy to do until it doesn't profit him so he sends Cohn a bill that ruins their friendship. Trump stopped listening to Cohn. Donald Trump is a big shot now and he got rich all by himself despite being a nepobaby. When Fred Trump Jr. comes to Donald and Ivana's house looking terrible and in need of a trip to rehab, rather than letting his older brother stay over or immediately taking him, Donald Trump sees him, hands him some money, and sends Trump Jr. on his way. Fred Trump Jr. dies due to his younger brother's negligence. Trump is addicted to diet pills and can't get erections anymore. Trump makes his wife Ivana get fake breasts, something they both mention. While poking fun at Trump for how terrible and fat he becomes, Donald Trump flies off the handle, throws his wife to the ground, and has his way without her consent. At least that was the only time Trump "grabbed a pussy" in this movie.
Donald Trump is a monster.
It’s like using that app that ages you decades.
Donald Trump is a monster raised by the monster Roy Cohn. Donald Trump eventually throws a party for his former friend while he's suffering from a disease everyone thought only gay men got in the early 80s called AIDS. Cohn is in a wheelchair but accepts Trump's offer to go to Trump's Florida property for a going away party. Trump wheels Cohn over rough steps and gives him some fancy diamond cufflinks as a bit of an apology. The cufflinks say "Trump" on them, but the decrepit Cohn thinks it's nice. Unfortunately, as soon as Ivana sees the cufflinks she tells Cohn that they're not made of diamonds. They're just cubic zirconia. Donald Trump gave his dying mentor fake diamond cufflinks to have just before he was going to die. In The Apprentice Donald Trump didn't invite his mentor to Florida to make him feel better. He invited Cohn to Florida to make a joke out of him. One of the reasons you know this is because Trump had that wheelchair steam-cleaned as soon as Roy Cohn left.
OH MY GOD, DONALD TRUMP IS TERRIBLE!
I don't usually go into detail during my reviews because I don't want to spoil surprises. The Apprentice still has many surprises in it, but I personally dislike Donald Trump so much that I had to make sure everyone understood why. In a society that celebrates billionaires and broke billionaires like Donald Trump, it's important to know on what side you stand.
I stand against Donald Trump. I stand against having your way with your wife and various other women without consent. I stand against telling lies. I stand against Donald Trump and everyone associated with him. I stand against men telling women what they can do with their bodies. If that means I stand against winners and/or killers, then so be it. I'd rather die a loser than be anything like Donald Trump or Roy Cohn. That's because...
Donald Trump is a monster, and it took this must-watch film, The Apprentice to prove it with no punches pulled.
I think everyone over 18 should watch this before the election and use the film to help them make their decision about who they would like to vote for. Honestly, I think that’s why the team worked so hard to get this thing before the election. People believe narratives much more than news reports and I hope they believe The Apprentice much more than any conspiracy theories that Trump can’t help himself to start.
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