Red One: A Review So Bold It Could Ruin Christmas
a.k.a. Find Santa? Is that a movie title anyone has used yet? I hope not.
Santa got that zaddy energy.
Like most weekends I decided to do what everyone else does: see a movie with The Rock and O.G. Captain America in it. I need the action, the drama, and the Santa all at once. That's why I went out to see Red One yesterday. What a ridiculous movie.
Red One makes some expectations of you as a Christmas moviegoer.
You believe Santa Claus might be real.
Santa Claus lifts hella weights.
Santa Claus lives at the North Pole under a dome that makes him impossible to find, until The Wolf (a.k.a. OG Captain America a.k.a. Chris Evans) uses his tech skills to find him for you.
The Rock has been working for Santa for over 300 years.
Santa Claus is strafed by an organization of mythical secret agents and all the figures from all the stories are real and likely looking to kill you.
Once you get all that down, Red One can be a fine film to put your Santa Hat on.
Wait... huh? What is Red One about?
Ok fine...
As a boy, Jack (Young Chris Evans) gets in trouble for showing all the other kids where their presents are hidden. He does this after stealing keys from a family member. Young Chris Evans has no love for Christmas and is not brimming with Christmas spirit. He doesn't believe in St. Nick either. In this world, it's hard not to agree with him.
Jack grows up and becomes an accomplished thief and investigator. If you have enough money, he'll help you find any person you’re looking for. Grown-up Jack hilariously works his way through a town and ventures into some kind of lab. While there he gains some coordinates for his client before walking outside and casually leaving after all the mayhem he's caused.
Jack gets in his jalopy and gets a call from his ex saying he need to pick up his son from school because his mom is too busy being a nurse to do it herself. With no options, Jack has no choice but to agree and meet his son at the front of the school. Jack's kid, Dylan (Wesley Kimmel, yes nephew to Jimmy Kimmel), gets in the car and they make their way to his mother Olivia's (Mary Elizabeth Ellis) house. She dares to be there when they show up.
Meanwhile, at a mall across town...
St. Nick (J.K. Simmons) and his top bodyguard, Callum Drift (The Ro... I mean Dwayne Johnson) are working at mall like a regular mall Santa. St. Nick likes to meet the kids himself every year. He takes kids on his lap and gets all the best gift ideas. Santa Claus and his entire team take their present prescription jobs very seriously.
St. Nick and The Rock warp themselves back to the North Pole (a feature they get to use) and Santa's gotta get a workout in before delivering gifts to the billions and billions of Santa Claus fans in the world. As The Rock is Santa's top guy he's there to spot the big man during his beast mode session.
You gotta be swole if you want to sneak in and out of kids’ houses every year and eat the cookies they leave you.
The Rock just can’t feel the magic anymore. The wide-eyed children have changed and the naughty list has too many names. This Christmas would be The Rock’s last ride. Santa asks why he's trying to leave his 364-day present-giving operation after being a part of it for so long. The Rock says he’s done with humanity and hands in his resignation. Santa understands because he's Santa Claus and Callum Drift plans to hand over the reigns of protecting this mythical figure to someone else once they're done distributing the untold number of presents this year.
Unfortunately... someone breaks into the North Pole Stealth Dome and kidnaps Santa Claus. The only way they can find Santa is to find the guy that gave up their position. That person is Jack (Chris Evans). Mythical Mollywopper Organizational Director Lucy Liu sends "dem boys" to collect the broke crook with a gambling problem and find out where Santa has been taken.
That sounds kind of ridiculous.
Oh, it is! Coming up with an excuse for The Rock and O.G. Captain America to team up to find a kidnapped Santa Claus is ridiculous on it's face. The fact that there is a walking, talking polar bear in it isn't even the most ridiculous par of Red One. There are many more threats, power stealing, and a schoch of North American lore in there too. These people have one day to find out what happened to Santa or Lucy Liu has to prepare the world's governments for…
A year without Christmas.
Should I see the Red One movie?
I think they could have got a “bigger than the Rock” Latin man to play that Polar Bear.
It kind of depends on how much you like Christmas. I don't want to build our relationship off of lies, but I've never been all that into Christmas. I think it's a holiday about buying presents which is a turn-off. Plus I never know who to buy them for. Typically, I've had a disdain for all the "magic" and the "Jesus" and the "St. Nick" of it all and decided early on that Christmas was not for me. Despite all that, I still enjoy a good Christmas movie and I'm happy I got to check out this rather ridiculous film.
Red One reminds me of Jingle All The Way. It's a movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad battle each other to get the last version of a toy for one of their kids. It's less about Santa or Christmas joy and more about two men one-upping each other to make one of their kids happy. Shortages of toys were a huge problem in 1996. Once, I had to wait 3 weeks after Christmas (an eternity in the mind of a child) to get the Playstation. My under-the-tree gift was an I.O.U. from my father. Maybe that's why I'm not a fan of Christmas.
Anyway, this movie is pretty fun and might squeeze a few tears out of you at the end. If you think Christmas is stupid, you likely shouldn't waste your time with Red One. Go seed Anora or watch Love Actually again.
I will end with the fact that the worldbuilding was really cool. A universe where mythical creatures are real and Lucy Liu leads a high-tech task force to keep them in check would be a very fun concept to come back to. They’re probably already working on the sequel. They could make a string of these Mighty Max-style films. "Every story is real, and Max's mom is hot. Get over it." Red One is some slick silliness, but I would come back for more.
