Biônicos: A Review of a Brazilian Movie About The Long Jump and Bionics

This actress should get a choker.

I haven't watched many movies from Brazil, but I felt I was watching something special when I started Biônicos (Bionic). This movie begins with a guy breaking his own neck with his own bionic arm. As the great lovey-dovey artist Mya once said, his "touch is like whoa."

The night before, Jessi, one of my international friends, sent me an interesting link. I started with the link, saw Biônicos was a Netflix movie so I took it to the television to watch the rest. This movie has an awful lot to say about the world and is the first time I've ever seen a drama centered around the long jump.

I'm sorry, what's Biônicos about?

In the year 2035, bionic body parts have changed the world, especially in athletics. Many athletes you would see at the Paralympic Games can now take on a bionic body part that installs to a Neuralink smushed in their brain and offers amazing control and superior strength. The new body parts make it impossible for those without them to compete. So a new structure called the Bionic Games is created for these people to compete in regardless of gender. Why watch a regular person long jump 8 meters when you could watch a bionic person long jump 18?

At this point, there's little that non-bionic athletes can do. There's no money to be made as a regular athlete so the biônicos compete amongst themselves what the more natural athletes run around in empty stadiums. It is also illegal to purposely sever your body parts and trade for bionic ones. That's the straw that broke the camel's back.

Interesting... But where is the drama?

Biônicos features a pair of sisters brought up by a very supportive father and a mother who was the greatest Brazilian long jumper in history. The mother chooses her eldest daughter, Maria, to train to follow her legacy. The father ends up with Gabi who ends up losing one of her legs due to a tumor while growing up. In a future none of them could have predicted, it's not Maria who follows their mother's legacy, but Gabi because she's the one that received a bionic leg. While these sisters have an inverted Venus and Serena williams relationship, their youngest brother Gustavo sits around and plays video games all day.

After the guy snaps his own neck, you we find out that he did it so his brother Heitor can get away after a robbery they attempted. As soon as Heitor gets back to base, he says something about them needing a new bionic. He's trying to get some sort of movement started, and Gustavo wants to be in on it.

We cut to an adult Maria running around an empty stadium. She was supposed to be the best long jumper in the world four short years ago. Now she and her awesome neck choker just run to keep her six pack poppin. Gustavo brings Heitor over to meet Maria and they turn that Stadium into a Non-Bionic Athlete's Support Group. People get to come and play and try to get in shape like Maria. Unfortunately, Maria is too busy and fighting with her sister, Gabi. Maria gets drunk at a party for her sister and talks mad shit about all the other biônicos and rides off on her motorcycle. She seems to be good enough to drive, but she's not and gets her clock cleaned by a van. Maria's leg had to go.

Now Maria gets to be bionic.

I couldn’t find a picture of Maria with the choker but it looks amazing and she wears it the whole movie.

It's here where the hot Brazilian doctor tells us that if you go too hard with your bionic pieces you'll go into a coma. That's good to know as it will come up later. Maria gets in bionic shape fast and gets to compete against her sister at the next Bionic Games. Gabi seems to know where this is going and is already pissed. Gustavo quickly works his way up into Heitor's organization with his tech genius. Now that she is bionic, Heitor convinces Maria to help him with a crime with his sexy Brazilian body.

I'm not sure why they fall in love, but I will say the Heitor seems a little too interested in Maria's bionic leg. Hey man... I understand. His kink is not my kink. Maria decides to help him and kicks over a truck like a bionic hurricane. During this robbery, Heitor stabs a security guy as if he's smoking a cigarette after (cyber) sex. Maria didn't think this was justified and they were not going to have any sex after that. When they get back, Maria and Gabi yell at each other, Gustavo says he can't be special around them, Heitor plots, and Maria tells the hot Brazilian doctor that she's done with nice guys and to get out of her face.

Finally, we've reached the Bionic Games. The sisters are breaking long jump records left and right. Maria seems to be better than her sister at this, but Gabi doesn't want to hear it. On Gabi’s last jump, the anxiety and pressure get to her so bad that she overloads her bionic system and goes into a coma. Maria tried to stop her but Gabi wasn’t having it.

Maria and Gabi having one of their many passive aggressive arguments.

While this would seem like the climax of this film, it isn't over yet. While Gabi is at the hospital with Maria feeling terrible about what happened, Heitor shows his true colors and kidnaps Gabi because they still have one job left. He puts his hand around Maria’s throat to show how serious he is. Que bastardo! It's also revealed that he was driving the van when it hit Maria. Gasp! Maria has no options left. She had better do this long jump-based crime or it's curtains for Gabi.

Should I Watch Biônic?

I would say yes, but it might depend on a few things.

• Is long jump an awesome sport?

• Do you remember the Six-Million Dollar Man show and the following movies? He was bionic and one movie had a young, track and field Sandra Bullock in it.

• Do you think Brazilians and Brazilian women wearing chokers are sexy?

• Do you speak Portuguese or are cool with subtitles?

• Do you like Black women whose hair changes based on what they're doing? This might be the best part of the movie.

• Do you like it when the big boss is a white guy who gets everything he wants no matter what happens?

If you have positive answers to these questions, run to Netflix and turn this on.

If you felt more negative about them then Biônicos is probably not for you. That's totally ok. Go watch Inside Out 2 or Fly Me To The Moon or something. Don't force it.

A lot of things in this movie don't make sense, but I enjoyed it anyway. I left much of the ending out so you could make a great night out of it. I might start watching more movies out of Brazil.